Will You Be My Nightlight?
by Sofa King Danny
Summary: Stan thinks he is the most normal, average person in the world, but Butters thinks that Stan is everything a person should be. And more.


I already posted this on deviantART, but I thought I might as well start posting things here again, too.

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Stan Marsh is a somebody, and everybody knows who he is. 

He is the leader of his own group of his friends, his own posse. He has a girlfriend, one of the most popular, attractive cheerleaders in the school. He is the quarterback on the football team and gets good grades. He is a model student. He rarely acts out, and when he does, everyone laughs. Everyone thinks it's great and cool, and he never gets in much trouble for it. Stan thinks he is the most normal, average person in the world, but Butters thinks that Stan is everything a person should be. And more.

Butters Stotch is a nobody, and everybody knows that he is.

He is allowed to hang out with Stan's posse sometimes, but they always make fun of him and take advantage of his gullibility. He is there to be mocked, he is there to make Stan, Kyle, and Eric look better in comparison, he is there to be laughed at as comic relief, and he knows that is the only thing he is good for. He had a sidekick once, he was the "fourth friend," he replaced Kenny once, but he has never been anyone's _real_ friend. Nobody has ever cared for him the way Stan and Kyle care for each other. And though Butters tries his hardest to smile and be friendly, deep down it hurts more than anything, and he never gets enough sleep at night, and his dreams are never pleasant. Stan thinks Butters is the most happy, obnoxiously optimistic person in the world, but Butters thinks that he could not possibly feel any worse about his life.

Butters can clearly remember the day he first decided Stan was the best thing in the world, and he thinks that he will never forget it. He remembers the way Stan came to his house uninvited and smiled at him. How he told Butters that Eric was going to try to trick him again, so he should be on his guard. He touched Butters on the shoulder, and his fingers sent a warmth and comfort through Butters's body, like a hot fudge sundae, except that it didn't melt. Butters spent the next several weeks thinking about that warmth, and now every time he eats a hot fudge sundae, he thinks of Stan. He always savors the taste, and sometimes he thinks about how Stan might taste. He imagines Stan would taste warm, but better than a sundae, better than anything Butters has tasted in his entire life. The more Butters speaks to Stan or looks at him or even thinks about him, the more he falls in love with the black-haired boy. Stan's body seems to radiate a confident, peaceful, loving heat that no other energy source could ever manage to provide. Butters loves just being around Stan, and tries to be near him as much as possible. He wants to fall asleep leaning on Stan's shoulder, breathing in his soft scent that smells like home, and feeling the comforting warm fabric of his shirt.

Butters is jealous of Kyle, because Stan cares about Kyle more than anything. Stan has saved Kyle's life more times than anyone can count, has always been there for him, is always doing things for him and sharing things with him. Butters wants a best friend, anyone would do, but most of all he wants Stan. He wants Stan to be there for him, to do things for him. He wants Stan to save his life. He wants Stan to be the nighlight that will always be on and brightening the room no matter how dark and thick the shadows get. He wants Stan more than he has ever wanted anything for as long as he can remember.

But Butters has always been too afraid to ask for what he wants.

Butters remembers when Eric took the four of them to Stark's Pond, insisting that he wanted to show them some marvelous beauty of life. Kenny went along silently, Kyle complained loudly during the entire walk there and Stan laughed even louder at the jokes Kyle made at Eric's expense. It was a decided, concise laugh that ripped from his throat like a predatory bird with perfect precision, flying up into the sky for everyone to hear and enjoy it, so the innocent, magical sound of a child laughing could reach the ears of someone, somewhere. Butters wished he could know what it felt like to have such a sincere laugh, one that didn't sound stupid and awkward and forced. He wished _he_ could make Stan laugh that way, that _he_ could be the one cracking jokes and making Stan smile. He tried a couple of times, but he couldn't think of anything original or clever, and the only reaction he got was glares, and sometimes the phrase "Shut up, Butters." He never did shut up, because he spent a lot of time apologizing instead.

When they got to the pond, Eric sprinkled some breadcrumbs into the water, luring a family of ducks up to the edge where the boys were standing. He continued sprinkling crumbs along the ground, leading the ducks onto land and in front of his feet. Everyone watched in complete silence, with the exception of a small crack from Kyle every now and then. When all the ducks were out, Eric winked at his friends and pulled out a lighter. Stan gasped and tried to protest, but before he could say anything, the ducks were already on fire. A chorus of panicked quacks filled the air, coupled with Eric's maniacal laughter. Stan rushed forward and pushed the ducks forward into the water, where the fire extinguished with a _ssss_ sound, but the smoke still hung over everything like an omen of despair. Stan glared at Eric and scolded him about being kind to animals, to which Eric replied, "What's the big deal? There's a pond right next to them! If they can't figure out how to put out the goddamn fire, it's not my problem." Stan just growled and kicked Eric in the balls. Kyle grinned and Kenny laughed, and Butters almost thought he could see a halo of light surrounding Stan and breaking through the smog. Stan is so brave, never afraid to say or do what he wants. Stan knows what is important, he knows how to be happy, and he values the life of every creature. Stan is everything Butters admires in a person. And more.

Sometimes Butters thinks that maybe Kyle doesn't care as much as he could about Stan, because Kyle is too busy being obsessed with Eric. Butters thinks maybe he could be a better best friend than Kyle. Sometimes Butters thinks that maybe Stan's girlfriend doesn't love Stan for anything beyond his popularity and his body. Butters thinks maybe he could be a better girlfriend than she is, even though he's not a girl.

But Butters knows that he will never fall asleep on Stan, and he will never taste Stan, and he will never make Stan laugh and smile, and he will never be Stan's best friend, and he will never be Stan's girlfriend.

Because Stan is somebody, and Butters is nothing to the earth but a shadow that barely exists.


End file.
